How to Transform Angers.

Slide 14 of 34


We need to learn new skills for a new way of living!  Some of the representative skills are listed below.  When you are interested in learning these skills I commend the following skills to you.   When you want direct experience of these skills you can find this experience here

1. One of the first skills is to ask your higher power "What to do?"   It would be wise to sit in silence for 15 minutes each day after asking your question for an opportunity for your answers to arrive.  Be alert for any answers that arrive during the day.

Would it not be wisest to ask the wisest part of yourself?  What is that wisest part?  Could that wisest part be that part that is in the least of us?  How can you know without trying the experiment? The experiment is to give that wisest part time to emerge.  Your wisest part does not need some time because it has been denied for so long, but you do.  How long you will need to experiment is up to you and how much you intend to succeed and how much you have to overcome.

Would you want to quit the day before your breakthrough?   The basic process to let your wisest part emerge is to give yourself your time when you are naturally at your best.  I commend you to ask your wisest part "What is the best way for me to allow you to emerge?"  and then sitting in silence until your answer emerges.  If it is not practical to sit in silence at one time you could choose to sit for a regular time each day.  The whole point of this is to start your relationship with your wisest part.  There are many other questions you could use like "What to do Now?".  As you begin to get answers it is time to verify how they work for you.  This is like any other relationship where you go back and forth as you discover what works for you.

2. One can learn how to better set your intention to experience the transformation of your corrosive anger to your authentic anger to get what you want.


This is as simple as saying "I intend to _____x_____."  The next step is critical.  It is to immediately take some action to demonstrate to yourself that you really intend to _____x_____.  You can practice your intentions with small steps.  You could say "I intend to ___y____ in _z_ minutes." Then you could choose to ___y____ in _z_ minutes.  An example would be: I intend to complete this screen in 15 minutes.  I then proceeded to complete this screen within 15 minutes.

You got to where you are by your conscious and subconscious intentions.  So you can get to where you consciously want to go by increasing what your conscious intentions are.  The more conscious intentions you have the less you are controlled by your sub conscious intentions.  You will be replacing your sub conscious intentions by conscious ones.  You will be guiding your sub conscious intentions by your conscious ones.  When your conscious intention is in opposition to sub conscious ones, the conflict will become conscious and capable of resolution.  If you have an intention to resolve your internal conflicts, you will be well on your way to where you want to go.

I completed this one screen in 10 minutes in response to my above intention, as an example.

3. One can learn how to experience the presence of your higher power.


By becoming more aware of your higher power.  How can you also become more aware of the presence of your higher power?

First be aware of the things that are already happening in your life.  Why did I write that?  Because there have been recovery outcome studies.  In these studies, 40% of the success was traced to the intention to succeed and the coincidences that showed up.  I believe that the coincidences and intention were a practical demonstration of the relationship between the recovered person and their higher power.  Your challenge, if you accept it, is to become aware of this 40%!

4. One can learn how to forgive yourself.


JUST DO IT.   One way is to do the ritual of saying the following words while holding your right hand over your heart or above your heart:

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR JUDGING MYSELF AS A/AN ______good/bad name_______.

Just put in the good or bad name you have called yourself or others.  I have found that the "good" name has often worked miracles that forgiving the "bad" name did not do.  It worked because there were just judgments inside that I was not aware of.  I found this also true of others.

Some people have said that it "shouldn't" be so easy.  Why not, it was easy to make the judgment in the first place.  That is the good news.   The bad news is that there seems to be an long series of forgiveness needed.  Perhaps you are the exception that needs only a few.


It is the opposite of a discernment.  Discernment is an evaluation of how it is in the moment and knowing that how it is, will change.  Discernment happens when you have come to peace after clearing out all the judgments.

A judgment is a made up mind that does not allow the change and the learning of more of how it is. How it is changes as we learn more.  If we hold a judgment, we also hold part of our energy to bring that judgment to us.  Names are the hooks that judgments hang on to.

5. One can learn how to forgive others.


JUST DO IT.  One way is to do the ritual of saying the following words while holding your right hand over your heart or above your heart:

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR JUDGING OTHERS AS A/AN ______good/bad name_______.

Just put in the good or bad name you have called yourself or others.  I have found that the "good" name has often worked miracles that forgiving the "bad" name did not do.  It worked because there were just judgments inside that I was not aware of.  I found this also true of others.

Some people have said that it "shouldn't" be so easy.  Why not, it was easy to make the judgment in the first place.  That is the good news.  The bad news is that there seems to be an long series of forgiveness needed.  Perhaps you are the exception that needs only a few.

6. One can learn how corrosive anger, transforms to hurt, and then transforms to loving authentic anger.


This is the short grieving process.  One can make it into many steps, but all those steps are usually not needed.  The concept here is to understand how the shorter healing process takes place, so that we will cooperate with our healing taking place.   Since we thought we did not have, what we wanted, we were angry at whatever we thought, kept us from having what we wanted.  When we forgave our judgment, that kept our anger corrosive, we were then free to feel our hurt from our authentic anger healing us by working on our blockage of our energy. We are then hurting ourself where our hurt remind us what we were angry about.  How else could we remember what else we needed to forgive and what we forgave?

This hurt may have been associated with other past hurts of the same form.  So our cure may be to allow our memory of our past hurts to come up and so that we can forgive any original judgment that caused our hurt.

Once we have cleared our hurts by our forgiveness and our acceptance, and our reframing the experience as a blessing, we are then free to feel and use our own loving authentic anger or energy that we had tied up. We can now plan to use our loving authentic anger or energy to do something positive to get something positive we want now.

7. One can learn how to really listen to others and your self(s) and your Higher Power.


Of course as you learn how to listen to others without judgment, you have learned to listen with your forgiving aspect of yourself to your other aspects so that they can be forgiven and given new tasks of more importance.

One of the first things you can choose to do is to invoke your loving listening aspect of yourself.

Shouldn't it be hard to do this invoking of a aspect of yourself?

No, haven't you easily invoked your rebutting mind aspect in your past?

Haven't you listened well in your past to find a way to tell your point of view?

You could decide to recreate your new way of listening.

Your new habit of really listening requires that you listen so that you can give others back the essence of what they have said.  This essence gives them a sign that you are listening and this kind of listening will encourage even more intimate talk.  No telling what you can learn by listening.

8. One can learn how to be in rapport with others and your aspects and your Higher Power.


The skill is called "mirroring".  You can choose to repeat back to whoever you are listening to the essence of what they are saying.  You can choose to hear whether they talk in visual or sounds or feeling language and use the same language.  You can choose to "mirror" some of their body positions.  You can choose to become aware of the dance you are in and to go with your dance.

9. One can learn how to ask open questions of others and your aspects and your Higher Power.


First you need to understand what closed questions are.  The best example is the lawyer that leads a witness by their questions.  If you are asking questions that call for yes or no answers, you are asking leading or closed questions.  This tends to lead the other person to just upset themselves.   That is what lawyers and others want so that they have more control over you.  You will then only experience what you have set up and will learn very little about the other person since they will become resentful. If your real intention is to cause others to upset themselves and to create hostility, then by all means ask questions that have only yes and no answers.  Be prepared to experience someone else doing the same thing to you.  Is it any wonder that lawyers are the butt of so many jokes.

An open question is "How is your life going for you?"  The other person is free to answer however they want.  Asking "How is your life going for you today?" is a less open question so they will generally not consider their long term history.  How much freedom are you offering to others?  How much freedom are you getting?  How much freedom are you demonstrating?

10. One can learn how to take 100% responsibility for your life experiences.



The answer is, whose life is it?  Whose life do you want to lead?  When your life flashes before you and you have made everyone else responsible for your life, there will be nothing left to see.  There will just be their control of your life that you gave them.  If that is what you want to choose, fine.  On the other hand, if you take responsibility for the lives of others you will get to see their lives flash before you and there will be nothing to see for yours.


When someone told you to do something, you chose to do it or not.  When someone advised you, you chose to follow the advice or not or some other advice or your own.  When someone influenced you, you chose to be influenced.  When someone forced you, you still chose to follow the force, and chose to not find a way to escape or to oppose the force.  If no one else was involved, you still chose what you did.  You may have chose fully consciously, sub consciously, or unconsciously or a combination, but you chose.

In management and leadership circles a principle of healthy organizations is that your authority is equal to your responsibility.  Therefore, if you are 100% responsible for your self, you have 100% authority over your self.

11. One can learn what really are the desires of your heart.


Look around, you have been moving to what you desired and away from what you feared all your life.  At the level of your present skills, you have what you want.  You are living the life of your dreams.  They may be nightmares, daymares, or a good life because of your sub conscious and unconscious desires and fears.

You can use your fears to your advantage and advancement.  Your fears are the opposite of your desires.  Your fears are a good indicator of your desires.  An example would be that you were afraid of crashing in an airplane.  That means that you desire to live, as you are living.

This is where you can use your contact with your wisest part to ask what dream is for your highest good now.  The skill is to keep asking until you have good enthusiasm for what your present or new dream is.

12. One can learn how to go for the desires of your heart.


Now that you know what your desires are, you can learn how to lay out a plan to get there.  You need to break it down to small steps with dates for each step.  You then need to start taking the small steps.  You also need to keep the plan current as things change, and they will change.  I like to call my plan, "My Plan of the Day."  By continuing this process you will get yourself on your path to your accomplishment of your desires.

13. One can learn what your habits are and how to change your habits.


First you must find what your habits are.   It would be wise to start a daily journal to begin to see what your habit paterns are.  Changing is simple and yet hard.  You need to pick a habit to change so that you can close down that use of your energy and you also need to pick a habit to start to reuse your energy better.  Studies on quiting smoking show that the most successful were the ones that kept a focus on lengthening the time between smokes.  They also had to fill that in between time with something rewarding that they enjoyed.  Other studies showed that those that just quit cold turkey had the most success.  It depends on your personality type.  Then it becomes a daily exercise of your choice to do the new habit in place of the old habit. You could use your journal to record your successes and any paterns of failure if your have any.  The dramatic "cold turkey" process may work better for you. It does for some. You may be wise to experiment and see what works best for you as a unique individual.

14. One can learn how to own your positive projections.


This is another easy skill that may be hard for others to do.  Of course it will be easy for you to do since you are unique.  All you need to do is look at all the positive qualities of your heroes and people you admire.  The fact that you have picked these heroes and qualities tells you that these qualities relate to you.  This is not a time for false modesty.  This is a time to go within yourself and find when you showed these qualaties.  An when you find them this is a time to be in gratitude for your positive qualities.  This is a time to begin again using each of these qualities some more.  This is a time to plant the seeds of your future so that they can grow gently.  This is a time to forgive your self for these qualities to remove the false shells around you seeds.

15. One can learn learn how to own your negative projections.


First, accepting your positive projections helps.  Second, having your new skill of forgiving yourself will begin to heal these negative projections and turn them into positive energy.  Third, the bad news is that all those that you have been condeming, are related to your own unforgiven qualities.  The good news is that you now know what names to forgive yourself for until you just have compassion for those you used to condemn as wrong, bad, or evil.  After all it is a blessing to know what names to forgive yourself for.  It is a curse to deny this blessing.

16. One can learn what your past intentions were.


You can know:  By what has happened so far.

Your intentions created what happened to you so far.  You may have not been aware of all of your past intentions.  The good news is that when you are aware of your intentions, you get them.  The bad news is the when you are unaware of your unconscious intentions, you get them.  Therefore the way out is to have more and more conscious intentions to replace the unconscious intentions.

It would also be wise to do some meditation each day to become conscious of the unconscious intentions that you may want to replace with more positive intentions.

Would meditation and positive intentions not be some good new habits to start to replace some bad habits?

17. One can learn how to focus on your felt sense.


This set of skills are from the book "Focusing" by Eugene T. Gendlin, PH.D. and I recommend you find a copy for yourself.

The process goes something like the following:

1. Clear a Space

How are you feeling?

What's between you and your feeling fine?

Let what comes in your body answer the questions.

Keep letting anything else come.

Greet each concern that comes.

Put each concern beside you for a while.

Except for each concern, are you fine?

2. Felt Sense

Pick a concern to focus on.

Go right into what you sense in the whole of your body to get a sense of the whole of the concern.

Find what you feel, see and hear to get a total felt sense.

3. Get a Handle

What is your whole felt sense like? Feeling, color, shape, sound, etc.?

What word, phrase, image, sound, etc. comes out of your felt sense.

What word[s] and or sound and or image fit your whole felt sense best?

4. Resonate

Go back and forth between your description of your whole felt sense and your felt sense to see how well they resonate.

Feel the sensation of matching and resonance several times.

As the felt sense changes watch it with your awareness.  As it becomes better let your self feel it for a while.

5. Ask and Wait for Your New Felt Sense

What is it about the whole concern that makes me feel so __________?

What is the worst of this feeling?

What is so bad about this feeling?

What does this feeling need?

What needs to happen to feel better?

What would this feeling feel like if everything was fine?

What is in the way of feeling better?

6. Receive

Welcome what feelings and images and sounds come.

Welcome your inner critic and let it give you a new felt sense to resolve.

Does your body want more?

Adapted by Mike Foster, M.A.A.P., from "Focusing" by Dr. E.T. Gendlin

18. One can learn how to transform your aspects [archetypes] to their core quality(s).


First I recommend that you buy the book "Core Transformation, Reaching the Wellspring Within" by Connirae Andreas with Tamara Andreas.  Their short form on page 120 and 121 goes something like this:

Welcome one of your parts to work with that is giving you a current problem.  

I recommend thinking of your parts as aspects.

Ask your part what it wants.

Ask your part when it haves what it wants what would be more important.  

Keep doing until you fine a core state that doesn't get any better.

Enjoy your core state and thank your part for assisting you to get there.

Ask your part how being in this core state will make things different.  

Ask how this core state would make all the outcomes that came up even better.  

Ask your part how this core state would change your current problem.

Ask your part how old it is and if it wants the benefits of evolving up to your age.  

When it does, you can use your present core state to evolve your part from its age up to your age.

Using your core state allow your grown up part to fully flow throughout your body.

Go back over the outcomes that your part came up with and your current problem with your core state to resolve them.

Check for any objecting part by asking if any part objects to having this core state.  

Go back over the previous steps with any objecting parts [aspects].

Go back over your timeline to just before conception and let your new core state transform all of your experiences up to the present.  

Go into your future timeline with your core state.  

I would invoke the presence of my higher power to be also present with me during all of the above and allow my higher power to change what would be the appropriate form for me.

19. One can learn how to really laugh and or cry about it all.


You can recover. Of course to recover you need to learn to laugh and cry.  Laughing makes a great meditation technique.  Crying makes a great meditation technique.  

You need to recover your emotions.  You need to learn about all the flavors of anger and feelings.  You need to grow up your archetypes.  All of these tools of growth help.

20. One can learn how to forgive your Higher Power, since you may think you have a better way for things to be.


Does part of you think this is an unfair world?   If you do you judge God.

Even though you may think you do not need to, I have found that it helps.   I was not conscious of my need to forgive God, but when it worked, I knew I did. It goes like this:

The ritual is the same as forgiving yourself and others.  You might pronounce ritual as "right you all". You can put your hand over your heart and use the following words:


Simple, effective, often hard to say like this.  It is OK to say it any way the EGO (Edging God Out) wants, but I reccommend you to finish saying the ritual like above or however your wisest part wants.

I used the term God as well as Higher Power because there is more baggage on the God term.  My experience is that God does not care what name we use, just that we do use something.  He would not mind "Beloved One".

21. One can learn how to do the 12 steps for the rageaholics.  [P.S., a great name to forgive your self for judging your self as.]

22. One can find your own Recovery Facilitator, sometimes called counselors, therapist, spiritual teachers, rebirthers, energy balancers, healers, coaches, etc.