RBD's Different Kind of Therapist's Hint of the Day for this Week

RBD's Wholeness Consultant's Hints for Fellow Travelers on The Road to Recovery for 27 July to 2 Aug 98.

Published Last Week. A daily hint published each day since June 1996. This is past my second year anniversary since starting this site. Page Down for the next days that are added a day at a time. I have moved to http://recoverybydiscovery.com and this daily page is now here at https://www.recoverybydiscovery.com/daily.htm . I would appreciate any feedback, questions and suggestions that you have.

What I am going through now is the DSM-III-R Desk Reference a "disorder" at a time and commenting on the spiritual and recovery aspects. The DSM is what the American Psychiatric Association uses to label symptoms to facilitate communication in their community. Unfortunately, the labeling from the DSM can shut down communication with those seeking temporary assistance and spread the stigmas of mental illness. The DSM can also bring some comfort by telling some that others have had the same experience. I am adding additional comfort by pointing to some ways to start getting out of the "disorders". I am not writing about cures. I am writing about how the cure process works over time. Instantaneous cures can be as traumatic as the original event that generated the disorder or illness.

27 July 98 First go back to where I left off last week.

What is more likely to work is something that does not hurt yourself or others.

The reason is that hurting someone is a deeper thing to clear. What we all really

need is more nurturing from ourselves. But, we do not usually get over something

by staying away from it, we usually get over it by too much of it. That is the paradox.

We get sick and tired of being sick and tired over something that becomes meaningless

as we get desensitized to that thing. Am I saying to drink alcohol or anything like

that idea? Of course not. The fact is that we do not need alcohol to get drunk.

Enough experiments have been done to prove that when people think that it is alcohol,

most get drunk. Then the problem is not the alcohol, it is the mind that is hypnotized

to get drunk. The problem is not the items that turn on the mind, it is the programs

in the mind. The cure is to unprogram the mind. To dehypnotize the mind.

How can the mind unprogram the mind? Very hard by definition, if all we had was

the mind. But we have far vaster resources to discover than our mind. We have a

spiritual connection to the lord most high within ourselves in our heart of hearts. That

is a large part of what I have been writing about for these years. That resource knows

how to reprogram our mind. That resource knows the best teachers for us. That resource

knows the best books for us. That resource knows the best ways to desensitize us to the

source of our addictions. For some, that could be pretending to do the things that get

them going. The pretending would be after invoking their connection to the lord most high

within and doing so with increasing awareness and patience until that pretending is no

longer needed and they are free of that. Pretending to get drunk or sexually excited over

some silly thing could get boring pretty fast. Not doing it give the desire more strength.

Pretending too much makes it easier and easier to say no. Then on to the next thing.

28 July 98

The DSM-III Desk Reference on page 164 ask the person doing the diagnosis to

specify whether the sexual dysfunction is psychogenic and or biogenic, lifelong or acquired,

generalized or situational. Those decisions are not reasonable ones to ask anyone to

determine. I can safely say that all are both psychogenic and biogenic since the mind is

connected to the body anyway. Telling someone that the disorder is lifelong is not fair,

because miracles happen often. Telling some that they acquired their disorder could

tell them that they could unacquire it and they could not due to things they are unconscious

of. I'll leave it to you to determine what is unfair about deciding whether the sexual

"disorder" is generalized or situational.

Now on to the next defined "disorder" This one is "302.71 Hypoactive Sexual Desire

Disorder". That is where there is a persistent lack of sexual desire and fantasies and not

depression or something like that. Here we have an official disorder for what many monks

and ascetics and spiritual aspirants hope to arrive at. I find that amusing. Of course it is

not amusing to the sexual partner not getting any from one who has arrived or is arriving

enough to being used by spirit for other things. In this case it is still sexual desire for

intimacy, it is just intimacy at a higher level. The sexual desire may not be visible to the

therapist or even to the person with the "disorder" and certainly not to their sexual partner.

There may be other things going on. Their unconscious may be blocked so that there

are no fantasies for the unconscious to communicate to the conscious. The unconscious

may even be gone and the person may be fully conscious. It may be somewhere in

between these extremes. Something to explore.

It goes like this. What is the symptom getting you that you consciously or unconsciously

want? Do you want to change? How much do you want to change? What are you going

to have to do to change? When you are ready to change you are ready to learn new skills

that create change.

"302.72 Sexual Aversion Disorder" is defined as a desire to not have genital sexual contact.

In a way that is fear of sex, fear of loving another, fear of loving self. This could even have its

roots in a fear of not being "spiritual". This could have its roots in anger towards the sexual

partner that has its roots in anger towards self. Either extreme, a complete aversion or a

complete attraction are at the ends of the sexual spectrum. Balance is in the middle. Both ends

of the spectrum are related to each other like heads on one side of a coin and tails on the other.

When there is a fear of loving self, that is the time to learn how to love yourself. How can we

learn to love ourselves? One way is to start saying: "I am a child of God learning how to love

myself like God loves me." Then keep saying that until you are experiencing that.

When there is a fear of loving others, that is the time to learn how to love others. How can we

learn to love others? One way is to start saying: "I am a child of God learning how to love

others like God loves them." Then keep saying that until you are experiencing that.

When there is a fear of sex, that is the time to learn how to also experience your sexual self,

when that is what your want. When you want to experience life at a higher level of sexuality that

is also fine. The question always is, what do you really want? Once we determine what we

really want we can make up the saying that gets us there. One way is to start saying: "I am a

child of God learning how to ______ like God loves _____." Then keep saying that until you

are experiencing that.

Of course when there is anger, there is a need for forgiveness. That is the time to start with

what is on the card below.

29 & 30 July 98

"302.72 Female Sexual Arousal Disorder" is about a persistent failure to experience lubrication

and swelling from sexual excitement. "302.72 Male Erectile Disorder" is about a persistent failure

to experience an erection from sexual excitement. Interestingly the DSM gave both the male and

female disorders the same number. Of course it is the same problem. The physical sexual system

is not responding in the expected way. The mental system has some blocks in it and sometimes the

physical system has represented these blocks physically. As many have noted the sexual organ is

the brain. We have a biological imperative deep in the oldest parts of our brain. We are rarely

conscious of this part of our mind. These disorders usually happen after some time after puberty.

The usual case is that after many years the disorder happens in males. That usually comes from

what they have put in their minds. Their biological imperative can mask their more subtle feelings

for quite a while. The biological imperative of the female is to have a safe nest for her children.

That is a more complex biological imperative. That is why they need to feel safe and loved and

deeply connected to their mate. That is why they may experience the "disorder" earlier or even

have it from the first. Their biological needs for safety, love and connection have not yet been

met. Keep in mind that males have these needs, they are just secondary. Keep in mind that

females have the male need for physical connection, it is just secondary.

So what are these blocks, dams in the mind, to normal functioning? They are just that, damns.

Curses we have put on ourselves. Curses that can be removed by blessings. How many negative

things have we said and thought? Research says that these are a lot. So how many blessings are

we going to need to say and think? A lot. One more blessing than the curses that we have done.

31 July 98

"302.73 Inhibited Female Orgasm" and "302.74 Inhibited Male Orgasm" are defined as just

not getting to the orgasm phase in a normal sexual experience. The male and female "disorders"

are given different numbers and have somewhat different descriptions since there is a greater

range of patterns in females. In any case, when we are not experiencing the full experience we

have managed to block some of the experience. We can have some conscious or unconscious

fears of the full experience. In fact parts of the experience like rapid heart beat can be fearful to

some as that is one of the symptoms of fear itself. We can choose to call the experience excitement

or fear. The truth is that we are experiencing a closer experience with our life energies. There

once were temple prostitutes in some religions that were there to provoke our experience of our

life energies as sacred. They are sacred. Some of the fears that block our full experience of life

may come from conscious or unconscious guilts. That is why the generic spiritual practice of

forgiveness becoming a habit is so important to recovery from any "disorder". That is why the

generic spiritual practice of assertiveness becoming a habit is so important to recovery from any

"disorder". That is why the generic spiritual practice of learning how to love all becoming a habit

is so important to recovery from any "disorder". That is why the generic spiritual practice of

learning how to cooperate with others, teamworking, becoming a habit is so important to recovery

from any "disorder".

So, invoking what ever you call the holy spirit, before a sexual experience, or any experience,

can be a new habit for our generic spiritual habits.

1 Aug 98

"302.75 Premature Ejaculation" is defined as ejaculation with too little stimulation. That is

ejaculation before the person wants to. Here we have one part of the system being easily

aroused and stimulated and another part of the system needing more arousal and stimulation.

This is a good catch all "disorder". Most males experience this and most females would like

to send most males to therapist to change this "disorder". One amusing thing is that the

females are part of the family system and have great influence on changing the system to

perform more like they like. They also have great influence on making the system response

worse or keeping the system like it is working with premature ejaculation. The amount of

influence that they have is shown where there was an opposite "disorder". The males were

impotent. The doctors gave estrogen to the females in each family system. Over 90% of

the males became potent and recovered from their "disorder".

One way to reduce the male's sensitivity that could work for some couples is for the

female to ask for sex more often. Over time the frequent sex would tend to produce less

excitement for the male and extend the time to ejaculation. Part of the lower excitement

would be the availability of the female. The female could almost regulate the time to

ejaculation. Females rarely realize the amount of their influence on their relationships.

In these cases there are anger cycles going on. The male and female are usually

upset that the male comes too early. There may be many other conscious and

unconscious issues for both the male and the female to be upset. A habit of forgiveness

for both parts of the system will slowly change the dynamics of the relationship. When

one part of the relationship does not want to forgive, the other part can and will begin

to change the relationship or the other will not like the dynamics of forgiveness. They

will increase in upset until they have to leave.

2 Aug 98

"302.76 Dyspareunia" is defined as pain from intercourse for either a male or female.

Pain is just an emotion of high volume. Pain is an expression of a difference between

what we are experiencing and what we want to experience. Sometimes that is when

we want to experience health and we need healing.

There are many possibilities of things in the mind that can cause pain during sexual

intercourse. Some thoughts are that we "should" not be doing this or enjoying this. A

false thought since we are designed to have a pleasure feedback that is designed to

insure we follow our biological imperatives. The male has the biological imperative to

father children and the female has the biological imperative to nest and nurture.

You can make up your own thoughts that could cause emotions to the level of pain.

The neat thing about pain is that tells the holy spirit what needs healing. Knowing this

can lead to easier healing just like we healed faster as children.

Your Different Kind of Therapist,

Michael Foster, M. A.

"Learn HOW to recovery by discovering the blocks you need to remove and the actions you need to take and what you need to let go of as your blocks to your blessings."

From my book in process, The Spiritual Cookbook (Generic Recipes for a Better Life)

If you would like a free monthly newsletter with coach's hints on a single subject, click RBD's Free Monthly Newsletter Registration Form.

I started my daily page, because it is useful for me to look for some recovery tip or secret each day for my spiritual growth. we and I only need one secret to work on and let it work on me each day. They are secrets because they are usually the opposite of what the majority of society teaches. They must be secret because they are not commonly used. A friend of mine once said "Common Sense is not much in Common.". Now that I have grandchildren I am also writing for them. I would have really liked for my grandparents to have passed on what they learned.

I am including Sunday as it is my formal day of learning the lord most high's secrets. If you would like ask questions, or contribute some of your wisdom, or want to make some comments or want to vote for which day to put on my tip of the month page or tell your success stories, click Michael Foster, M. A.