Steps on the Road to Recovery

Steps On Our Road to Recovery for 15 to 21 March 1999.

Published Last Week. A daily hint published each day since June 1996. This is past my second year anniversary since starting my web pages. Page Down for the next days that are added a day at a time. I have moved to http://www.recoverybydiscovery.com and this daily page is now here at https://www.recoverybydiscovery.com/daily.htm . I would appreciate any feedback, questions and suggestions that you have.

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What I am mainly going through now is the DSM-III-R Desk Reference a "disorder" at a time and commenting on the spiritual and recovery aspects. The DSM is what the American Psychiatric Association uses to label symptoms to facilitate communication in their community. Unfortunately, the labeling from the DSM can shut down communication with those seeking temporary assistance and spread the stigmas of mental illness. The DSM can also bring some comfort by telling some that others have had the same experience. I am adding additional comfort by pointing to some ways to start getting out of the "disorders". I am not writing about cures. I am writing about how the cure process works over time. Instantaneous cures can be as traumatic as the original event that generated the disorder or illness. Instantaneous cures may not do us any good, when we get the same disorder back, since we have not changed the thought system that caused the disorder in the first place.

15 Mar 99

Now continuing the "301.40 Obsessive Compulsive Personality

Disorder" of the DSM-III. We have this when we began in early

adulthood to have a pattern of perfectionism and inflexibility.

We need to get five of the remaining symptoms of the nine symptoms

to qualify.

Our seventh chance out of nine, to get five, is when we have a

restricted expression of affection. Who among us has not at some times

restricted their expression of affection? As parents we have withheld

affection as an attempt to control our children. As partners we have

withheld affection as an attempt to control our partners. As employers

we have withheld affection as an attempt to control our workers. As

employees we have withheld affection as an attempt to control our

bosses.

The solution shows up in the problem, the challenge. Since

conditional loving has not worked and only produced resentments,

why not try unconditional loving? That does not mean to show

affection, when we are treated badly. Affection is different than

loving. Affection is what the world puts on. Loving is what we

are at our core. Loving means to tell others how we want to be treated.

Loving means learning to understand others better. What does our

loving God do? Love us unconditionally, understand us completely,

is amused at our foolishness, is optimistic about everything, knows that

in the end He is the safe harbor that will consume all of our mistakes.

Our loving Good is what to you? When it is not loving, is it God or

Good?

16 Mar 99

Today I changed my business card again and a new banner at the top

of today's page. Life can be about making things better a thing at a time.

That is certainly better than making things worse a thing at a time. :))

Our eighth chance out of nine, to get five, is when we lack generosity

in giving time, money or gifts when there is not likely personal gain. Who

among us has not at some times has not lacked some generosity. Is this

not again a matter of degree. We would be given another code from the

DSM when we were generous with all our time, money or giving gifts.

Here we get a code from the other end of the spectrum. What if we spent

all of our time, money and giving gifts to get something in return. Then

there is likely another DSM code to give us. :)) Perhaps we could satisfy

the DSM coders when we were generous the "right" amount of the time and

did not give time, money or gifts too much for something in return. :))

There is no chance to satisfy all the code books on our planet so the code

books are ultimately of little real use other than to tell us that they can not

be satisfied. So, how to be really generous? I would suggest being

generous with yourself first so that you can be generous with others out

of the overflow. I would suggest being generous with ourselves by giving

ourselves to Good daily until that generosity flows out of us.

17 Mar 99

Our last chance out of nine, to get five, is when we have an inability

to discard worn-out or worthless objects. We can have an excuse from

the teacher when they have sentimental value. Who among us does not

have some worn-out or worthless objects in our possession that we are

not keeping for sentimental value. Again, there are degrees of this. At

one end of the spectrum, where there are absolutely none, we probably

would get some code for that level of fanaticism. At the other end of

the spectrum I have heard about a senior citizen that had so many objects

that they could hardly get through their home. I do not know what level

of worthless objects we need to get this code, but what is worthless to

one person may be invaluable to another. How could one know without

getting to know the person? Then, when we are involved with a person

like this, helpful questions we could ask are: How is having these things

working for you? When you would not have some of these things, how

would things be for you? If you did not have any of these things, how

would it be for you? It always depends on the specific person. Different

people have different answers.

We do know that this is what they consciously and unconsciously want

for the moment. What they may want next is their choice. This is as it is

for all of us.

18 Mar 99

Now on to another DSM-III disorder, "301.84 Passive Aggressive

Personality Disorder". We need to begin by early adulthood and get

five of the following nine symptoms of passive resistance to demands

for social and job performance down.

The first symptom is when we procrastinate. All we need to do is

to put things off so that what needs to be done is not done by the deadlines.

So, we all procrastinate to some extent. We all do not meet all deadlines.

Sometimes we have too many deadlines from ourselves and sometime from

others and sometime from both. Who among us has not at some time had

too much on their plate? I certainly have had too much on my thanksgiving

plate each year. :))

It is easy to get behind because we tend to expect too much of ourselves

and others tend to expect too much of us. It is a lot different to expect too

much, than it is to believe in others that they can do more than they are doing.

In fact they have experimented many times by telling teachers they had

exceptional students, and sure enough the students did exceptionally. That

was because there was a belief there. That is not true when there is just

a "should" going on. Then there is anger going on in the teacher thinking

that they "should" do better than they are doing. That anger is matched in the

student in the form of resentment towards a teacher that is expecting more

than they are doing. The difference is the altitude of the attitude. There is

likely no resentment when our teacher is honestly asking what is in the way

of our performing better. Especially when that teacher is wise enough to

let us work out our way on how we are solving our blocks to our performance.

19 Mar 99

I added another free source of http://www.fastcompany.com/career where

they had the best set of career pages that I have seen to my free stuff page.

I also like their site and magazine for their support of today's more enlightened

businesses.

The second symptom of five is when we sulk, become irritable, or argumentive

when we are asked to do something that we do not want to do. Don't we all do

this at some time? Are we all not asked to do many things we do not want to do?

Of course. We can sulk, become irritable, or argue as a way of coping. We

could just say NO, kindly and gently. When we say no, most others just escalate.

They become more insistent. They become more manipulative. They keep

bitching until they get what they wanted in the first place. They sulk, become

irritable and argumentive. What to do?

This is all about a power struggle. One is trying to play the parent and the

other is trying to play the child or coming back as another parent. One solution

is to be an adult and negotiate for a win win with the other(s). This can be

challenging since they will be likely stuck in their child or parent roles.

However, one way to get others to change their roles is for us to lead the

way and to change our role. That could mean saying no gently and suggesting

alternatives until they get the idea on how to treat us. That could be all day

for some people and continuing on to the next days, weeks, months.... That

would be good for us and for them.

An exception is when "they" get physically violent. To me, that is just

incentivizing me to get away from them, when it is safe to do so. Then I

can find those, that have kinder and gentler habits. When I keep finding

those that are physically violent, it is time for me to deal with love with

the unconscious violence in me so that it is no longer experienced on my

outside.

20 Mar 99

The third symptom of five is when we work slowly or do a bad job

on tasks that we really do not want to do. Don't we all do this, at some

time, in some form? Are we all not asked to do many things we do not

want to do? Do we not consciously and or unconsciously do poorly and

or slowly? Have we not at some time felt we were being treated unfairly

and automatically got back by treating "them" unfairly? This is how the

what goes around, goes around, works. And of course we will be again

treated "unfairly" since we were treating them unfairly. A negative

spiral.

How do we break a negative spiral? One way is by starting a positive

spiral. When we are feeling treated unfairly, we can choose to treat those

we meet fairly. When we are not feeling well treated, we can show how

we want to be treated by treating "them" well. How long does it take to

turn the negative spiral into a positive spiral? As long as it takes. Different

spirals have different levels of the ruts they are in. How can we do better

when we are not feeling better? One ways is to start thinking better and

talking positive to our selves. Another way is to just do it in spite of how

we are feeling.

21 Mar 99

The fourth symptom of five is when we protest that others make

unreasonable demands on us. Of course we have to protest when a

neutral observer would think we were being unreasonable. That

same neutral observer might thing that both were being unreasonable.

Don't we all this difference of opinion at some time. They think

they are being reasonable and we think they are being unreasonable

and they think we are being unreasonable and we think we are being

reasonable. Here we are with another power struggle. The person

that has designated themselves as reasonable has picked something

to tell us to do that we will consider unreasonable and we will protest.

They have found one of our hot buttons and are pushing it. :))

What to do when others can control us by pushing one of our hot

buttons? One way would be to work on removing our hot buttons.

We get hot when they tell us to do something that tells us we are

not equal. We get hot because of some name we call ourselves from

what they are asking. When we are told to take out the trash we may

trigger out hot button on the word "trash". We can then forgive ourselves

for judging ourselves as trash until we no longer trigger ourselves.

Then we can peacefully take out the trash, peacefully say "no", peacefully

say "no, later", peacefully say "I want you to take out the trash this time,

please."

Next week I will be writing on some physical manifestations of our

hot buttons and how to cool some of our hot buttons.

Very Respectfully,

Michael Foster, MA

Mental Health Coach

https://www.recoverybydiscovery.com

DiscoveryCoachemail

"Learn HOW to recovery by discovering the blocks you need to remove and the actions you need to take and what you need to let go of as your blocks to your blessings."

From my book in process, The Spiritual Cookbook (Generic Recipes for a Better Life)

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I started my daily page, because it is useful for me to look for some recovery tip or secret each day for my spiritual growth. we and I only need one secret to work on and let it work on me each day. They are secrets because they are usually the opposite of what the majority of society teaches. They must be secret because they are not commonly used. A friend of mine once said "Common Sense is not much in Common.". Now that I have grandchildren I am also writing for them. I would have really liked for my grandparents to have passed on what they learned.

I am including Sunday as it is my formal day of learning the lord most high's secrets. If you would like ask questions, or contribute some of your wisdom, or want to make some comments or want to vote for which day to put on my tip of the month page or tell your success stories, click Michael Foster, M. A.